I haven't written in a very long time. Honestly, I've been busy having the best 3 years I've had in quite a while. University can be a pretty big distraction from reality and for me, it's been an absolute blast. But university is done, and things haven't worked out exactly how I was expecting.I was hoping to graduate, qualify as a teacher and have my own classroom ready for the next September. It's just not happened that way. This lovely global pandemic has stepped in and there just aren't any jobs going in my area. Shortage of teachers they say? 

I've never not had a goal to work towards, even as a child I always had something to focus on, work that needed doing or something to study for. Without that, I've fallen back into a dark hole. Years of coping with depression mean I haven't quite hit the bottom yet. The higher meds, yoga, colouring and excessive sleeping will keep me afloat for a little while, but it's a dangerous state to be in. My mind likes to ponder on suicidal idealization at least once a day, my weight (this time) is piling on rather than dropping off. This sucks even more because the only positive of a bout of depression is the weight loss that comes with it. But yeah, I'm floating.

I got a part-time job for a while, kept me busy; distracted. But it was a short contract thing so that's no more. I'm on the job hunt again, but everyday job hunting is draining when you've just spent 3 years training for a job you can't have. What's even better is that i'm the only one in my friendship group who will not be embarking on their teaching journey this year.

I've been in and out of depression episodes for the last 8 years. But I call this one a relapse because it's different. It's this weight on my chest that turned up a few months ago. It's like that cold and flu tablets advert with the little monster, except instead of the weight disappearing after a few weeks of a depressive episode, this weight is here to stay for a lot longer. Ready to trigger a breakdown at the slightest thing.

I'll probably go back to my doctor, ask for stronger medication or something. I'm even considering counselling again which I never thought I would say. I know how to look after myself so I'll be ok. Floating just isn't for me. 

#timetotalk

Mental health problems affect 1 in 4 of us, yet there is still such a huge stigma around the topic of mental health. #timetotalk day is an initiative which encourages everyone to talk about their mental health, to start conversations, break down stereotypes, improve relationships and take the stigma out of something that affects us all. There are so many different ways to start a conversation about mental health, and I wanted to share some tips on how easy it is to start one.

What I want from 2019

2018 hasn't actually been the worst year for me, there have been quite a few lows, but for once I think there might have been just as many highs. I'm going into the new year surrounded by some of the most amazing friends, my boyfriend and family, and I'm excited to create even more memories than last year. Every year I come up with new years resolutions, and every year I don't stick to them. This year i'm changing the resolutions I want to stick to so that they are much smaller and achievable. I'm not going to make myself reach every goal from day one, but start making smaller steps to be able to make certain goals a habit, and I'm hoping that this way I'll be much more likely to achieve these goals.

Coping at Christmas

Christmas for most is the happiest time of the year, and generally it is for me too. However, I think that we should bare in mind that for some, the Christmas period can be difficult to get through. I thought I would make note of some of the things I struggle with in December, and how I try to manage or overcome those struggles in the hope that it might help someone else.

Anxiety on Placement

Anxiety is an every day thing for me, but when it comes to being on placement, anxiety becomes constant and sometimes unbearable. Exactly not the mental state you want to be in when you have a class to teach. My last placement was beyond difficult for me, I was not expecting so much of a challenge and felt as though I did not have any support (I did). To cut a long story short, due to a poor relationship with a teacher, I was led to believe that I had failed the placement just half-way through. And because it's me and because of how my head works, I lost any drive to carry on, convinced myself I wasn't cut out for the career and lost myself in a depressive episode. I won't explain the details but it got to the point that I was willing to ask for medical support as I knew that I was in an unsafe state that I was unable to regain control of. My doctor was able to support me with a referral to a mental health team and medication, I quickly realised that I should have reached out much sooner. I pushed myself through the last weeks of placement, whilst being considered as someone who does 'the bare minimum', and just enjoyed building relationships with the class rather than my worth as a teacher. I later found out that I had passed every teachers' standard and that my observed lesson was seen as 'outstanding'. I was happy, but I was also angry, I was angry at the teacher for making me feel worthless and at my self for doubting how much work I put into everything about my degree. Long-term anxiety and depression is blowing up small incidents into irrational beliefs that are most likely not true.

Losing a parent and it's impact on my mental health

I literally don't know how to start this post, I've written about 100 different openings and I'm not feeling any of them. This is a story I've been wanting to tell for 6 years, but have never been able to get the right words out.